Hey! Suckballs!

So my besty is a gay and a looz. Her Viking Warrior wanna be boyfriend came back into town... and it's all "Lacey who?" Hey Steph since I know you read this blog... you are the only one who does... why don't you quit suckin on Gaylord's Pokéballs and give me an effin phone call. Damnit. I know you guys are all Animade for each other, but just check up every once in a while.

Too Late to Still Suck

Atttaaaccckkk of the Stiff... So I'm enjoying a nice, relaxing dinner with my parents at O'Charley's... kind of a tradition that we haven't practiced since my youngest sibling turned thirteen. Having four kids all reaching puberty at once made it impossible financially for my parents to take us out to eat unless the restaurant had a "children 12 and under eat free" policy. And since my parents can no longer convince us to con the waiter into believing that, despite our breasts, mustaches, and children, we are in fact 12; we haven't gone out in a while. This meal was kind of a big deal, and of course my dearest friend has the best radar for ruining touching moments. I'm chatting with my parents about how glad I am to be in their company, when I hear "I love it when you call me Big Poppa, throw your hands in the air..." (the ringtone I hear every time she calls. Ugh!) I answer the phone and Steph's Mexican ass barely takes a breath before she tells me that she has discovered this blog. I try to tell her that it's all a joke, and she counters by explaining that she's realized that they are all real scenarios. Kinda makes it difficult to play the whole joke card. Bitch. So she gets off the phone with a casual "Well I'll let you enjoy your food" Click. How did she find it anyway? Did she just go around googling her own name? My name? Yeah well you know what? You can be as mad as you want because I may blog about you but you have cats. Eff that Stiff, you will not make me sit through a whole meal feeling bad, eff that. Actually weirdest part was that she really wasn't even that upset, she almost seemed just excited that someone was writing about her on the internet. I guess she's a no publicity is bad publicity kinda girl. A Lindsay Lohan.











Note: I have brothers and sisters, not boobs AND a mustache.

Still Suckin

So yesterday, I'm at the mall with my greek god of a boyfriend, watching movies and what not, and guess who calls, thats right, the bff&e&e&e&e. She's checkin up on me because her much more brain and much less brawn boyfriend was out of town... I guess this meant that we were supposed to hang out. She whines that we aren't together, and blah blah blah. I ask her, "Why you so obsessed with me? Are you in lo-o-o-ve with me?" Well then we get into the conversation of lesbifriends, which my man happens to overhear, and his wheels and his moods start to turn. I can visibly watch his face rapidly change, from confusion, to realization, to pure joy, and last JEALOUSY. It's official Steph's look are becoming a problem.

First Day of Sucks

So I'm sittin at my nine to five, and Stiff g-messages me, and I don't mean her thug ass texted me from her Boost Mobile either (chirp: the pre-tweet), she sent me some kind of instant message through gmail. I didn't even know you could do that. Are emails not instant enough? And it's not like you can just instant message anyone, it's only gmail account holders. Just effin email them. What disturbs me more is she knew that I was sitting there, logged into my email account, waiting for something more exciting than Netflix account updates to come through. Anyways I tell her I'm at work and that I'm too busy to talk. Which I was busy, busy google mapping all of my friends and families houses, hoping that I would find my car in at least one of the street views. She proceeds to invite herself on a lunch date to my place of business. And what does that ho do... she comes up here takes my money and buys herself some damn tacos from Taco Bell. I mean come on Stiff, you're Mexican for Christ's sake, you should have much better taste in tacos than that.