Sucking Internationally

   So Stiff is in GERMANY! As if she couldn't get any cooler, or more communist. If this is shocking news to you, do not worry, you are not alone. While I knew that she was not happy "here", I assumed she meant Mooresville. So I set her up with a dood and a swanky house in Salisbury. This did not satisfy her soul, which had recently become possessed by Gypsies. She moved forward with plans to move, I assumed to Charlotte. In my mind, this would certainly satisfy her craving to venture and voyage. I was wrong again. NoDa, while a satisfying, and culturally enhancing weekend trip for any Hipster, is not exactly the life changing destination that Stiffnose was hoping for. It became apparent that Stephanie was hoping to travel to one of the gray, blank spots on my map, which is anything outside of the southeastern United States.

   Now I'm not completely Steph-stupid, I did know that she wanted to move to Europe. We had discussed it in great detail. The problem is I never took her seriously. She would say "Hey, we should move to Sweden!" and I would reply "Yes, and you should dye your hair purple!". I did not know I was acting as a catalyst to Stiff's change of life adventure, I thought we were participating in some fun improv exercise. Oh, yeah, her hair's purple. Like PURPLE. When we would discuss our move to Europe and recent Powerball winnings, I always thought she was hoping to go to a place a little more Scandinavian. She shot for sucking on Swedish Meat balls and settled for wiener-schnitzel (which I had to Google the spelling of, she would be so proud). Now, quite honestly, Stephanie could be anywhere in Europe and.... I wouldn't know the difference. Except the Irish have red hair and Eastern Europe is... not for me. 

   How's she doing you ask? What has she learned? Did she make friends? Are things different? ????????

A million other flipping questions. I couldn't tell you. Please feel free to visit her Official Facebook Fan Page, where you will find thousands of photos and unique European anecdotes. Seriously, she could post a picture of a German bike lane and it would receive 300 likes and spawn a political debate about the economic advantages that Europeans enjoy that Americans are too stupid to take advantage of. I've decided that, in light of her recent fame, which I'm not even remotely jealous of, Stiff can suck a saw-sage.    

Sucks like a Cuban

After weeks of complicated orchestrating with the most organizationally challenged person I know, I finally got Stiff out for a night on the town. Well a night out in Salisbury… which thinking back on it may have been the reason she wasn’t “available” for so long. She actually made the quotation marks with her fingers when she was blowing me off. Anyways, I decide to take her to my favorite restaurant which coincidentally also happened to be food from her homeland, Cuba. Honestly who knew, I thought she was Mexican. I know what you’re thinking, what was the health grade, right? Well it shames me to say that I didn’t check, but we had an American waiter, so I wasn’t too worried about it.  I thought for once that I would impress miss oh so culturally diverse, with my own expanding worldly knowledge. However two seconds after receiving the menu she laughs.

“They’re charging twelve dollars for poor people food!” she said condescendingly.

This was news to me, I thought everyone in Cuba was poor.  Well I figure it’s time to defend my savoir-faire.

“Steph, I thought maybe you wanted to share this experience with me, this place gives me a feel of where you come from” I neglect to tell her that up until that day I had believed her Mexican…. details.

She replied snidely “do you get excited to go eat a chili cheese dog?”

This was unfair; sure my history is as culturally diverse as a Baptist congregation, but cheese dog, really? She couldn’t even be bothered to make reference to my actual heritage. I would have said something about boiled potatoes, but cheese dog!?

“I certainly wouldn’t complain if someone else was footing the bill” I retort. That will put her in her place. Ok, I didn’t say this but I did give her my most serious pouty face. I think that shut her up, well either that or the delicious “poor people food”. Because not only did Stiff lick her plate clean, (I think that’s some sort of sign of gratitude in Cuba, like saying my compliments to the chef) but she also ate some of mine.  Of course, never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, she spit it out and cried “no, no, no ew!” She also requested some “poor people” dessert, but I figured that her level of appreciation was already disproportionate to my generosity. When the server came around to ask if we wanted any dessert I speedily cut her off, declined his offer, and handed him my credit card. That’ll teach her. Of course joke’s on me because she made me drive her all the way home.

STIFF'S CAR SUX, I am a Super Hero

So, Stephanuts has mooched again. I'm at my work and she shows up, after I had to email her an itinerary hoping that she'd get the hint that she is a neglectful hag. Anyways, I gotta say even though she sucks the big one, I was happy that she went out of her way to come see me. Or at least that's what I thought. We're hanging out, being besties, and she tells me her drivable machine of death has bad brakes. SOO this is why she showed up to the service center that her best friend just so happens to work at. So I have one of the hourly guys replace her brakes on her Pinto for free, and she's on her way. Then Hobo Harry texts me saying her brakes don't work, well, what did you expect ho, they were free. After like ten minutes of her whining that she almost "died" (big effin deal), I tell her to stop driving the POS, I'm pretty sure they were recalled like a hundred years ago anyway. Then she guilt trips me, only has a few days left of class, she says. Well I decide to let the human sponge soak up a little more of my generosity, I offer her my car. The polite thing to do would have been to politely and humbly decline, but not Steph. She takes the car, but not after bitching about how due to it's superiority she'll have to fork out more money for premium gas. THEN she has me drop the keys off at her work.
"If you're on the I-77"she says I-77! There's no "the", emigrant. That night, she drops off the keys to a car, my car, and then has to return in the morning with hers. I'm not even going to comment on that, I feel like I don't need to say a word to explain how incredibly dumb that was. I'm not going to say a word about how much of an ass I would feel like if I dropped of the wrong keys to my own vehicle at a service center. Not a word. After we finally get the keys and the car we can't even drive the thing because this mooch hooch doesn't even leave the car with any gas. RUDE! So I put some gas in the car, and I really just wanna know one thing, where's my cape? Well my boss finds nothing wrong with it, my personal theory, there's a loose nut behind the wheel that's been eyeing a certain some one's pristine BMW since the aforementioned someone got it. I text her and tell her to come pick it up before the damn thing blows the shop up. And that ho, she forgot my cape.

Not so much

The truth? Stephanie doesn't suck at all, not even a little bit. She's wonderful, and aT the risk of once again seeming like I have a big boner for her, she IS the best friend I've ever had. I value her unassuming way of listening to my fears and pain, my thoughts and ramblings. She has a way of listening that is far beyond just invested interest, she listens to me in a way that makes me feel like she not only understands or cares, but feels. Her ability to put herself in my shoes when I replay an event to her, makes me feel like she was there, guiding me through. I can never ever thank her enough for being such a wonderful influence, or amazing person. More than anything I feel sorry for anyone that has not yet had the honor of meeting dear Steph.

Stiff Recruits Stalkers

So a few weeks ago, I get a text from a number that I am not familiar with saying that Steph got me a super-sweet gift card to Mary Kay. I know what you're thinking, that Steph, she doesn't sound so bad, bear with me I will prove to you that Steph's Suckiness is as predictable as "do you want fries with that?" So I call Steph and thank her, too soon. So this lady proceeds to ask me to be a face model. Me?! A face model! Thoughts of grandeur flood my head, I'm going to be famous. This woman, who doesn't even know me has heard legend of my beauty and has sought me out to model for her clients. Helen of Troy, eat your heart out. So I text Steph, "oh em gee, I'm gonna be a face model!!!"
Steph: "Nope that's just a way for her to make you over and get you to spend a whole bunch of money"
Well thank god she let me down easy.
So now my guard's up, home girl is after a Pink Cadillac, and she's got skills.
Well the next text I get from Miss Mary Kay is a question which seems pretty innocent, "What color hair do you have?" I tell her brown, she tells me that they are having a Charlie's Angels night and that I am invited, so I assume there will be a Red head and a Blondie there when I get there. WRONG, she's a fucking genius, this woman's skills are being put to waste on pyramid scams, she needs to be working as a spy with a specialty in marketing manipulation. This ho asks me to bring a blond and red headed friend. Then there were three. Her skills are immaculate, I would be in awe if I wasn't so determined to thwart this woman. I tell her I don't have any friends, 'cept Steph, and this woman must already know that Steph's ass is broke, because she didn't miss one beat before she was all "seems like this will be a good time for you to make some new friends!"
Damn you Steph, I'm pretty sure I'm being recruited by come sort of cult, and judging by this lady's super skills, she may be more successful than Jesus himself.

Intrusion!!!

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Steph gets physicscal

So I come over for Ili's thirteenth birthday, and of course I'm the highlight of the party. I breeze in effortlessly and hand the birthday girl exactly what she wanted. Everyone ohed and ahed when she opened her gift and saw the most exquisite pair of socks that they have ever seen. You see... people love me so much; I come over for their birthday, and they give me gifts (not this time, apparently the entire Centeno family didn't get the memo, whatever I didn't want dehydrated black beans anyway). That's what I bring to the party... eff that I am the party. BUT out of the corner of my eye, in the perfect literary contrast, there Steph sits with her dark hair, dark stained lips, and dark glowering eyes. Brooding. Bringing me down on Ili's day. This was sure to be a momentous occasion :/ It hits me that I've never seen this side of Steph before, sure she's annoying and intrusive and she wears odd clothes that always look AMAZING, but this was different. This was a whole other monster.... the homework monster, and for the first time I had caught her in her most natural habitat, hunched over a physics book, pulling out her hair. I tried to be entertaining, and charming but she was attentive and studious. I tried drama and gossip, but she was nerdy and boring. Had she really been doing homework all this time, or was this a REALLY extravagant lie. I was at a loss for words... Physics? Really? Is it possible that I have become the bestfriend worthy of a "YOU SUCK" blog? Had I really become less entertaining than the study of the motion of matter? Hey Steph, study me, I can jump... how high?